| Author | Message | ||
| Penelope
Intermediate Member Username: penelope Post Number: 301 Registered: 07-2005 |
(This went to workshop and now it's back. Just wondering how it reads after all the revisions. It's going to bed after this, I promise.) The Unraveling My husband tears and shreds and tears. Trapped inside his tattered mind, all night long he scatters paper. Everywhere ragged pieces of our whole cloth fall. “Keep up your strength,” they warn. “Don’t let this kill you both,” as if their cautions could make good their gilded promises to come. Dutifully, they’ll be here in time for our unraveling. “If you should need us for anything. We’ll be back in May. Please give us a call. We want to help but, then, in June the grandkids will be here to stay. So after, perhaps, you can tell us how and when.” “I will,” I say. When winter comes then they can gather all the pieces blown away. Penelope | ||
| Gary Blankenship
Senior Member Username: garyb Post Number: 5161 Registered: 07-2001 |
Good revision, good poem, well crafted. Smiles. Gary The Eye of the Coming Storm http://www.mindfirerenew.com/ | ||
| M
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 5476 Registered: 11-1998 |
A good piece, Penelope. This is what I might do to it if it were mine -- please forgive the brazenness of editing the copy directly. Those []'s and ()'s drive me mad! My husband tears, shreds, tears. Inside his tattered mind, all night long he scatters paper. Everywhere ragged pieces of our fabric fall. “Keep up your strength,” they warn. “Don’t let this kill you both,” as if cautions could make good gilded promises to come. Dutifully, they’ll be here in time for the unraveling. “If you should need us for anything, we’ll be back in May. Please call. We want to help, but in June the grandkids will be here to stay. So after, perhaps, you can tell us how and when.” “I will,” I say. When winter comes, they can gather all the pieces blown away. Please feel free to use or discard whatever you wish. The only other suggestion I have is a better, more evocative title. Perhaps the title could even hold some clue as to exactly why this couple is unraveling? That question stayed with me through the entire read and was never really answered. | ||
| karen
Valued Member Username: trig Post Number: 130 Registered: 09-2005 |
I liked it before and now I love the final revision, well done Penel! I do also like M s suggestions for the first and last stanzas. | ||
| Penelope
Intermediate Member Username: penelope Post Number: 313 Registered: 07-2005 |
Thanks,Gary,that means a lot. M, your version is wonderful. Sigh. I've had dozens of titles and none of them really suit me. I'm most concerned that the reason for the couple's unraveling is still so elusive. The husband's mind is gone. That's the cause for the breakdown of their lives. Karen, thanks for reading this more than once. I appreciate that and your kind words. Penelope | ||
| M
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 5491 Registered: 11-1998 |
That was one of my guesses, Penelope, but I did have other interpretations as well. I felt strongest that perhaps the couple had suffered the loss/death of a child and that's why the husband's mind was tearing apart. I suppose it was the words "Don’t let this kill / you both" that led me to that. Something about those words took me down that particular path, as if the tragedy was something they shared, i.e., a dead child. Also, the words "whole cloth" or "fabric" implied the fabric of family. I suppose it doesn't really matter if the real reason remains elusive or not. And as I said, a title to point in the right direction could clear that up with very few words if it concerns you that the reader see exactly what you wish. | ||
| Bren
Advanced Member Username: bren Post Number: 1120 Registered: 12-2001 |
Hi Pen, I saw what M mentions in her last visit. I thought it spoke of losing a child as well. Whatever you decide to do with the title this is well written. I like the shredding of paper as a metaphor for losing one's mind. Bren PenShells | ||
| Kathy Paupore
Senior Member Username: kathy Post Number: 2619 Registered: 12-2003 |
Penelope, very intense. Like M's suggestions. Titles are hard aren't they. Maybe just leave off the "ing" and go with "The Unravel", or title with the event that lead to the unraveling.  K | ||
| Penelope
Intermediate Member Username: penelope Post Number: 314 Registered: 07-2005 |
M and Bren, ahhh, now I see how the lost child arises from the context of this. I keep trying to give voice to this experience of life with a beloved spouse suffering from Alzheimer's. I keep circling. If this poem works on any level without that particular, I'm satisfied with my effort. Kathy, no kidding. I wish you could see all the titles I've tried out on this one. It's pitiful. And I've had soooo much help. I so appreciate all the wonderful and helpful feedback on this. Thanks for your input. (Message edited by Penelope on October 14, 2005) Penelope | ||
| Kathy Paupore
Senior Member Username: kathy Post Number: 2625 Registered: 12-2003 |
Penelope, Alzheimer's is a tough thing all around. I can see the alzheimer's here, and also the loss of a child, mainly the grief. Maybe if you added something with wander and memory that would lead more toward alzheimers. ie: S1 L3&4 "night long he scatters paper. Everywhere his memory wanders ragged pieces our fabric fall" (like the fabric suggestion from M) K |
